A Random Writing - Slip

So once in a while I write something randomly. Not a part of a book, but just something that has to do with how I am feeling. Often when I write these I'm not telling the whole truth, because these aren't the stories of my life. These are stories that I randomly bleed out when I am doing just that, bleeding. So I guess I really like this one that I wrote during history today. Like I said, some of this isn't true, it's not all me, it's my characters in my head that have SOME similarities with me, but they also have their differences. So this one I call, "slip". Enjoy!




She started to slump a little. Derek wasn't sure why she was so down. She said she was okay with it. Her head hung low so that her hair covered her face. The bell rang.

“Come on Hon', I'll walk you to class,” he said sweetly. Her body tightened again. How could he sound so sincerely in love with her?

“I don't want you too,” she said quietly, but firmly. It hurt her to say those words. She just sat there. Derek knew why she was upset, but it shouldn't be that big of a deal. He knew what could happen, but it was just that. It was what could happen, and in his mind, not what would.
As he stood there feeling upset, wanting to understand her mind, and justifying his actions to himself, her mind was flooding with hatred. How she worked to make these voices stop. How she prayed for the strength to forget these feelings. And yet years of work, struggle, battle, and a final victory had shattered into a thousand cliché pieces.

How could her heart not fill with questions? How could he not care? Her fists clenched, her nails began to dig into her skin and her toes curled under and STOP, she told herself. She could not allow herself to slip back right now. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she whispered to herself that she would give in later.

She hated herself. She tried to hate him, she tried to hate his parents, she tried to hate his “so called friends”, but she couldn't. He looked at her for a moment as she left alone. She couldn't stop the tears from tearing out of her eyes. She was angry with him. Why didn't he come and talk to her? Why didn't he stop her? But she knew the answers. He didn't want her to be mad at him, and she would have been. But it didn't matter how much she cried, screamed, begged or pleaded with him. She could slap him across the face and nothing would change. He would still hurt her. He could have tried to comfort her, he could have hugged her, and he could have chased her down. But that night he still would still shamelessly go out and do that thing that killed her inside.

Why was he okay with hurting her like that? She wasn't sure but it all felt horribly familiar. Why did it feel so close? It was Jason. She loved him but always felt like something was off. He always put her down, made her hate herself, and made her so unsure. She convinced herself that he was just trying to help her, and he might have been, but he wasn't. She was torn down sliver by sliver to stand half naked in front of a skeptical eye that only wanted to change her into something he thought was better. She would never be good enough. She cut and cut and cutcutcutcut the pain away, but for once she realized that the hurt was deeper than her skin.

That's how she felt every time Derek told her he was going to drink. He left a scar that made her wince every time she looked at it. She couldn't hide. She couldn't get lost in tv, books, or movies. It was the itch she couldn't scratch, because no matter what she did she could not forget.

He made her feel stupid.
He made her feel ugly.
He made her feel weak.
He made her feel worthless.
He made her feel small.

There it was. Small. Insignificant. Petty. A grain of sand to step over. Why should she care if he didn't? Why should she bend over backwards for him, take the fall for him, worry for him, and help him in every way she can when he didn't want to help her in the only way he can. The only way she wanted him to. Why should she care?

Because she did care. She loved him. He saved her from herself. He taught her how to find the light. He taught her how to smile again. He reminded her why she loved to write, and sing, and dance. He gave her life, so she gave him everything. Maybe he didn't jump as deep as she did, because now she was stuck. Stuck in a place of love and hate. A place of now and then, but never later. A place of masks and chains. A place that gave her the self hatred that she seemed to feed off of her whole life. A place that she felt comfortable. A place that she loved with all of her heart because she was never alone when she was there. She was with him. And she loved him. And that was all that mattered.