I Want to Turn it All Off

Life is a struggle sometimes. I know it's cliche to say that my heart and my head disagree sometimes, but they do. But sometimes I am in a situation where my heart and my head agree and I still don't listen. Where everything inside of me is telling me to do something and I say no, because it's scary. I was recently in a situation where I realized that I had a choice, end something or wait for it to be ended by someone else. I knew things would never last. I told myself to end it, but every time the opportunity arose I retreated. I don't like endings. Then it was ended for me, and it was a lot harder than I expected it to be. I knew it was coming, I even told a few friends it was coming and i could feel it, but as prepared as I was the feeling of inadequacy really stung.

It's times like these that I need to remember three important sayings, they help me through almost everything, and I guess I'll share them now.

1: I'm just a Caterpillar
I know you all know by now I am obsessed with butterflies. I wont go into a ton of detail here because you've heard my analogy one million times on this blog. But essentially I am a caterpillar and I am going through hurt and pain and lessons so that one day I can become a butterfly. It's not easy but I'm going to get there.

2: They Build Buildings so Tall These Days
This saying is my background on my computer, it was my facebook cover for half a year, and it's a poster on my wall. The core meaning of this phrase is that people build expectations of life, marriage, love, and happiness so tall. They make everything out to be big and grand and sometime life just sucks. And sometime happiness, love, and marriage are really really hard. But you stay. You stay and you love and you give and you hope and you dream and you try to become better. Because reality is not as grand as those buildings.

3: I'm Prefect not Ideal
I had a good friend once who is a poet. One of my favorites he ever wrote talked about how perfection means something is as good as it can possibly get. Ideal on the other hand is as good as you can imagine something to be. Humans are by nature flawed. But we can imagine a flawless person, that person is ideal. But since humans can not possibly be flawless our true potential is one where we are constantly learning and growing and searching and working to become more than what we are. And I am doing that. I am working. So I am perfect. I am not ideal, I am not flawless, but I am the best I can possibly be at this time, and that is perfect.


And it wouldn't be my blog if I didn't finish with the song that I am in love with right now and may or may not be on repeat as i type this post haha.
This would be Everyone's Waiting by Missy Higgins from her newest album The Ol' Razzle Dazzle. This song just talks about someone who is at a turning point in their life. They are trying to make some big choices and there is so much pressure on them they feel like breaking. I am feeling like that right now, but my pressure is internal. A lot of people don;t know what I'm doing but I know what they want me to do, what they want me to become and sometimes that pressure is just to much for me handle. It's the pressure to gain acceptance from almost every single person I know by making one single choice. I'm sure most of us have or will experience this feeling of pressure in our lifetime. My favorite part of this song is when she says "all of those painful lessons you've had to learn, you gotta use them now or never. 'Cause everyone's waiting, but's getting harder to hear what my heart keeps saying, Turn it off I want to turn it all off..."

Final Words <3 Turn off all the noise in  you head, follow your heart and remember that you are just a caterpillar  so just do your best and you'll be fine. 

Things I Should Have Appreciated More While I was at Home

So I live on my own now, and while I am loving it (like a ton!) I am also realizing that there are A LOT of things my mommy used to do for me that i am supposed to do for myself now... So this is an 18-years late thanks to my mom! These are the things I miss the most about living at home.

1- Having Little Things Bought for Me

did you know that cleaning supplies are REALLY expensive? I mean bleach here and windex there isn't so bad but when you have to get it all at once that stuff adds up! Same with toilet paper! Sheesh! I'm sorry I used so much of it when I lived at home. I am now someone who is counting my sheets to make sure I only use a few squares so I can conserve what I have! And I have sworn off paper towels! Those things are always gone! I just bought a roll but no, it's gone like thirty seconds later!

2- Having a Taxi Cab

I never knew how much you drove me around until I didn't have you to drive me around anymore. I am one tired and calloused Angela after all of the walking I do to get places! I know you always told me that you were sick of driving us around so often but I always thought you were whiny and irritating... you were irritating and whiny but it was justified! And I still use you whenever I can! You come out and take me one place and I try to get you to take me all over so I can get anything I might possibly need ever! haha! Thanks for being such a good sport!

3- DINNER! 
Oh man, you have no idea how many times I have not eaten dinner at all because I just don't want to make it! I didn't think making dinner could be such a drag. But it is! And mine never taste as good....

4- Having a Listener

I know that when we talked it often resulted in an argument but I miss those! I miss human contact! I have work and school and roommates who live in their rooms and I have no sisters and mom to talk to about my day all of the time! I have no mom-micking! I miss your crazy and wicked ways!

5- Amenities of Living at Home

I miss having a DVR, a comfy couch that doesn't smell funny, more things to cook with, three bathrooms, my old room, a washing machine at home, it was like anything I needed (glue, tape, bobby pins, crafting stuff, ect.) was somewhere in the house and all I had to do was find it... now I have to buy it.... yuck...


There you all go. I love living on my own! I really do! I have more freedom, I love the responsibility, I love being able to walk places, I love being able to stay out as late as I want and being able to make (most of) my own rules. I love it a lot. But I want to say thanks to my mom for all she used to do for me that I never realized she did (or at least not to the extent!)! And all that she does for me now even though I may not realize it!

♥Final Words: I love you mommy!