Insecure

Everyone has insecurities. Some people have less than others, some people's insecurities aren't as bad, some people just don't care about their insecurites as much as others do, but in the end it doesn't matter everyone has things they don't like about themselves.

To me it feels like, in today's world, everyone is trying to fix others. Fix you. Fix me. They say things like, "If you'd just take this pill", "If you'd only go here", "If you'd just have this surgery", and then it will all go away. But why? I think it's wrong. For years people haven't had the technology that we do now, and they made it. People had anxiety, people had depression, people had big noses, people were fat, people didn't like themselves. So why does it matter? There are so many songs on the radio right now that are popular with the same message. Firework by Katy Perry, Born This Way by Lady Gaga, Fucking Perfect by P!nk, Who Says by Selena Gomez. They all say "Love Yourself."

But this is so hard to do.

I watch some pretty lame shows. Especially during the summer, I sit around a lot! One of the shows that I love is Glee! Now they have on another show called The Glee Project. This is where twelve talented people compete for a role on Glee! Every week they have homework assignments and a video shoot based on the theme such as "Theatricality" and "Individualism", just like on Glee! This week's lesson was vulnerability. So they were given Mad World, to sing for their music video. The plan for this week's video was they all walked around a busy area in LA in shorts and a tank top wearing a sign with the word that makes them the most insecure on it. They had words such as "small", "gay", "rejected", "fake", and "used". One competitor, Marissa, chose the word "flawed". But while watching Alex (who chose the word "gay") go out and expose himself, Marissa and others broke down. Marissa saw how Alex's heart began to break as people watched him and judged him, and she went into the other room and changed her sign. While watching the video viewers saw that it now read "anorexic". Here is the video if anyone would like to watch.

I teared up while watching this. Not that many people read this thing, but most of those close to me know I used to be anorexic. I lost sixty pounds by not eating. The issue was that it made things better. Sure dancing became hard, but boys looked at me. People wanted to be my friend. I acted with more emotion as well. But one day, I met someone who made me eat. That was about a year ago. I have since gained back fifteen pounds. I feel gross sometimes still. Sometimes I am watching tv while my stomach aches and I say to myself "It's a couple pounds that you need to loose if you just stay here" and I do. It's hard not to slip back. But I think that I do very well under the circumstances.

But anorexic isn't my word. What is it? Trash. Why. . . . well I think I'll keep that one to myself for right now.

♥Final Words♥

What's your word?

Looking Foward

Lately I have been looking at my future a lot. Can I just tell you that I am so scared. There was a point in time when I knew what my future was gonna be like. That wasn't that long ago. The problem is, it's right around the corner now. A year ago, graduating early, getting into beauty school, getting a job, having the money for it I needed by the time I needed, it all seemed so easy. Now it seems, not impossible, just unlikely.

Now the future doesn't seem like beauty school. It seems like the future is everything. It's will I have a family? Will I die a crazy old spinster with a million cats? Will I die alone? Will I ever get a book published? Will I be able to look back at my life and feel like I have done good?

I have goals. That, in my opinion, is something everyone needs in order to really progress in life. Are they big enough? Will I be able to reach them? Lots of people say "Shoot for the moon, and then if you don't make it, at least you'll land somewhere in the stars." Well that's lame in my opinion. The stars? They aren't such a great place to be. Think about it. The moon has bases on it, with air. The stars? They have no air. All they are, are huge balls of fire. I would burn up and die. Just like life. If I put my money into becoming a doctor, and the classes are to much for me, and I run into a hard time, and everything comes down on me, and I am just not strong enough to it all, then where do I end up? In a big pile of debt with no job at all. If I am lucky I can flip burgers at McDonalds. That's where I end up.

So I am nothing but freaked out right now. I have no security blankets to grab on to, I have no constants, I have no rock right now. So what do I turn to? I think I know. Honestly I didn't until I wrote that down. I have been crying, wondering what I am going to do, but I just figured it out. I turn to the only people who are there for me, even when I am not there for them. I just realized that I need to pray a little more than I normally do. That should be my rock. Friends come and go, boys come and go. But in the end, They are there for me forever.

♥Final Words♥ Make Them your rock.

Family, Goobing, and Prayers

I have a lot of family.
I have my biological family, my chosen family, and my forced-but-not-biological family. They all mean so much to me. My parents have always tried to make our home safe for anyone who comes in it. Anytime we don't get along with someone in the neighborhood my parents sit us down and let us know that we have to get along with them in our house. Even though we have had problems with people stealing, lying to us, and taking advantage, we still love them and we grow as better people and closer as a family as well. We never lock our doors (except around Christmas). I remember going out to Chinese food and coming back with all the lights off, but Krystena was chilling on our computer. The best part? It wasn't weird. It felt more like she had just came home from a friends house or something.

Now my chosen family? They are probably more stressful than my biological family! But no matter what they do I love them so much and I would do anything for them! Sometimes they are not the smartest of people. Sometimes they fail to see others reaching out to them and trying to love them as anything more than a pity handout, a snarky stab, or an intentional action to hurt them. It drives me crazy when they just don't see how much I love them and am trying to help! I bet my parents feel like this often.

I spent the weekend with one of my families. At first I saw that my sister was getting into trouble and I went to warn her, and her mother, about certain people that I knew she shouldn't get tangled up with. Then I saw a greater need. One of my many mothers was having a really hard time. She was feeling lost, alone, and abandoned. I felt it necessary that I stay with her and my sister until her kids got back from their dads. During this time I got the chicken pocks. Things is, I knew I shouldn't leave her at a time like this. After discussing a few personal problems with my friend (and her step daughter who has moved out but was visiting for a few hours) my mom and sister got very upset. I wasn't saying anything bad about them, just that I was concerned and lost. I got chewed out. I got eaten alive and spat on a the ground. I simply told them what I said, and that if they didn't believe me then I was sorry. The thing is, even though I didn't do anything wrong, I hate that my family hates me. I didn't know what to do. My body was tired and sore, I was itching all over, and I didn't know what I could do to help this woman who I love so much know how wrong she is. And not just about me, but about all that love her dearly.

This is what I like to call “Goobing” (g-oo-bing). There is a Disney/Pixar movie called “Meet the Robinsons” and in it there is a character called Goob. He is the villain. At the end of the movie he explains his downfall to self hatred and dirty deeds. They show him walking through school and they kids are smiling at him and waving. One says, “Hey Goob, hows it going?” Another says, “That's a really cool binder Goob!” And then the last says, “Hey Goob, want to come over tonight?” After this section of the flashback the villain sighs “They all hated me.” I feel like sometimes other do this too. They are angry at themselves and thus they don't let other people in. I didn't know what to do to help my “Goobing” mother, so I did all I could. I prayed.
While on my knees I prayed for her heart to be softened to other people. Then I had a thought. How is that softening? I don't understand this, I really don't. In the bible it says it a million times, “Softening ones heart”, but I just don't get it. To me this was strength. To me it would be easy and “soft” and “comfortable” for her to lay around feeling sorry for herself. It would take strength for her to stand up and face her challenges instead of running from them, and the part she played in creating her situation.

So I liked that thought.

Final Words♥: All trials take strength to master and all strength comes from above.

There are so many cliche phrases I could use for this post...

Has anyone ever heard of the Westboro Baptist Church? They are a very political and extremist religion that heavily protests war and gay marriage. The way they protest is appalling rude though. Many of their signs include things such as “God hates Fags”, “God hates America”, “Thank God for Dead Soldiers” and so on. The worst part? They choose to protest at events such as Veteran's and Soldier's funerals.

The thing is that something in more disturbing has been going around. I have seen facebook, myspace, myYearbook, and twitter posts saying things about this church. What these statuses are saying is that when the WBC has their convention, people should refuse to service them. Because of their political actions, this is perfectly legal. But also because of morality, this is perfectly wrong. These posts seem to have started in Mississippi, and they urge people in that state to refuse to give any sort of food or housing services to these people. Following I have seen many more statuses pop up saying things such as “Way to go Mississippi! Show those WBC idiots!” and other snarky comments in support.

I have to say that I am little upset about this. I mean how hypocritical can people be? These people are upset at the WBC for being rude and disrespectful to a group of people. They are upset that this group is being so hateful towards those fighting for what they believe is right. So in retaliation what are they doing? These people are hating the WBC so much that they are going to refuse them motel service, gas service, food service, and so on. They are going to be rude and snobbish to these people for believing in something that they hate. Doesn't that sound hypocritical to you?

Even if other people disagree with me I don't honestly care. In my opinion when I pray I have always been told to be kind to even the worst of people. It says in the bible that Jesus still loves Satan after all he is doing, and we should too. I think the WBC is nothing compared to Satan! Now I know that many of you know that I don't really believe in Satan, and instead see light and dark aspects of my heavenly parents, but I wanted to put it on a level for most of the people in Utah, who might read this thing! Even though I don't believe in the Bible, I do believe that deity wants us to love everyone, even the worst of people. If I am nice to this awful group, and they are negative to the reception or continue to be rude afterwords, then that’s their sins, their problems, they can work that all out with The Big Guy later. I on the other hand, will have done the right thing!

On top of all that, these statuses are stupid. How many people think that even if every person in Mississippi saw this and posted it that it would actually happen. The WBC doesn't walk around wearing weird clothes or with signs or anything! If they go to the Best Western and says that they need their rooms that they have reserved, the clerk isn't going to know that they are WBC members! The guy working the Burger King drive through doesn't know either! The only thing this message does is show how like this group we all are. Many of you may be thinking that I am being hypocritical now too. But I don't hate the people who are posting this crap, I just hate the post. Thanks for reading♥