Recently Tyra came out and shared something about her struggles on the road to getting pregnant. She said a lot of people have asked her if she wants kids or why she doesn't have them yet and that the truth is that she hasn't been able to. She has also undergone IVF to no avail. This story has inspired thousands, including myself. I also can not get pregnant naturally and one of the reasons my husband and I rarely talk about when we will start trying is because we know that it will be an expensive, long and emotional road.
However recently TyTy also came out with a new hashtag. She talks on a facebook status about how the road is long and hard for some women. She says:
"...a lot of social media is about snap judgments and being well...judgy and just assuming things. The questions hurt. Why? Because you never know what someone may be going through. So you know what? Let’s #StopAsking"I disagree. I think that many women are a part of a terrible and awful club. I agree that the question can hurt, it can bring up painful memories and sad thoughts. I think that a lot of women have undergone failed IVF attempts, and several miscarriages, and even just the simple devastation of finding out that they can not get pregnant. I think that by trying to begin a movement where everyone just stops asking about it we also shut down the dialogue.
I believe in a very sacred and powerful bond called sisterhood. I believe all women are my sisters. The reason I believe so strongly in sisterhood is that I believe that as women we can come together and create such strong forces of comfort and good. I think that by not opening up the dialog we instead create a feeling of loneliness.
The reason Tyra's story has been so inspiring is because people don't talk about this subject. She is one of the few celebrities who have ever come forward to talk about their fertility struggles. There were thousands of women who have felt alone in this. Now they feel like they finally have a celebrity who gets it, a sister who knows, and they have been compelled to share and comfort her and they all came together. That is the bond I am talking about, the force I love. How wonderful would it be if instead of not asking at all and burying our feelings, that THAT was the norm? Tyra is a celebrity, so millions of women have come forward to share to her and build that bond. Wouldn't it be great if the normal thing was to know that you are not alone and to have all of your sisters come together and share?
Miscarriage and failed IVF and adoptions that don't go through... they are all terrible. It effects women in a way that men will never know. People say the stupidest things about these events. Things like "it was probably a blessing in disguise" or "at least you weren't far along", and even "It obviously wasn't your time yet". How hurtful? And the reason these awful and hurtful things come out of peoples mouths (often people that we really love and are close to) is because they do not know what to say to comfort someone going through this. That NEEDS to change and it will not if we #StopAsking. Instead I recommend we #StartSharing.
"Once you open up about all of those things to other people you start learning that a lot of other people in your life are seeing these people [fertility specialists] and they have this shame about it. SO anytime somebody asks me if I am going to have kids I just say 'one day you are going to ask that to the wrong girl who is really struggling and it is going to be really hurtful to them."
But do you know what is crazy to me? The same reason she wants people to stop asking is the same reason I think they should start sharing and ask away. The truth is anyone can get offended by anything. We have all gone through hard times. I am a hair stylist. As a stylist I have to build a relationship with each guests in my chair. I do that by getting to know more about them and sharing about me. I have had people get offended by me asking them a lot of questions. Some include "do you have pets", "Are you from Utah" (which is where I live and work), and "are you in school right now". I even had someone get upset that I asked them if they had any fun plans for the summer.
People get offended anytime you bring up unpleasant memories, the problem is we all have them. Some people have bad family relationships, they grew up hard, could not afford school, flunked out of college, didn't finish high school, can't afford vacations, went through a divorce, have had pets pass away, maybe had a vacation planned that fell through due to a break up or being let go from work. We will never know what will trigger each others emotions.
But what Teigen said that really struck me was that a lot of the women she knew had a sense of SHAME about their fertility struggles. Why? Because as women we expect our bodies to be able to create life, and when they can not it makes us feel broken. A big thought that has crept across my mind as well as the minds of many of my sisters who have struggled with this is "when we got married we wanted kids, and I can't give that to him." some even going as far as to think "would he have married me had he know how broken I am?" But here is the thing sisters, there are a lot of us.
How do we find those who have been there? How do we get advice from those who know? How do we reach out to those who understand? How do we gain comfort from our sisters and comfort others in return? By sharing. People also need to understand that having kids is the natural order of things. Especially if you have said in your life that you want them, your family may be wondering when you plan on starting. It isn't to pry, or be rude. The questions come from a place of love and genuine care about you and your life. They don't want to be nosy, they just truly care about what happens to you. So instead of getting offended, open up. Start Sharing.
